


The Promotion

by advanced_fanatic



Series: Bungou Stray Archives [1]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast), 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs
Genre: (but not goth), Edogawa Ranpo as Gerry Keay!, Fukuzawa Yukichi as Gertrude (but actually nice!), Gen, Kunikida Doppo as the Archivist!, Kunikida Doppo-centric (Bungou Stray Dogs), M/M, Mori Ougai as Elias!, Starring:, Yosano Akiko as Oliver Banks (but not crazy!), basically the bsd characters in the world of the magnus archives, my usual bullshit contact names, warning: slightly graphic description of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:54:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24119863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/advanced_fanatic/pseuds/advanced_fanatic
Summary: Kunikida is ready for a normal day working as an Archival Assistant when an unexpected event turns his world upside down.
Relationships: Dazai Osamu/Kunikida Doppo (Bungou Stray Dogs), Edogawa Ranpo & Kunikida Doppo & Yosano Akiko, Edogawa Ranpo & Kunikida Doppo (Bungou Stray Dogs), Edogawa Ranpo & Yosano Akiko (Bungou Stray Dogs), Fukuzawa Yukichi & Kunikida Doppo (Bungou Stray Dogs), Kunikida Doppo & Yosano Akiko (Bungou Stray Dogs)
Series: Bungou Stray Archives [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1740364
Comments: 12
Kudos: 19





	The Promotion

Kunikida Doppo was late for work, possibly, as his coworker Yosano was joking over the phone, for the first time  _ ever _ . 

“It’s not my fault, not really,” he said. “Dazai was making a huge fuss about  _ doors _ again, for whatever reason, and I  _ swear _ that the pantry wasn’t yellow yesterday, and it wouldn’t open, so I was late getting out, and had to get breakfast from  _ Starbucks _ —“

“Oh,  _ no _ , what _ ever _ shall you do, having to eat from  _ Starbucks _ ?” Yosano faux-gasped. Kunikida could  _ hear _ her grinning over the phone.

“Just because I prefer actually  _ good _ food that I cook myself—”

“Excuse you, Starbucks is  _ great _ . In fact, I’m sitting in a Starbucks  _ right now _ .”

Kunikida raised his eyebrows. “I thought you were investigating the Circus of the Other. Weren’t you sent out after Nakajima reported seeing Lucy Montgomery in a department store display?”

“Nakajima? God, so formal, Doppo! I would think you’d be on first name basis with your boyfriend’s brother—Ranpo and I both are.”

“He hasn’t spoken to Dazai since he came back from the Great Twisting, remember? I don’t know if I’m on  _ anything  _ basis with the kid.”

“I’m sure he has his reasons,” Yosano told him as he knocked on the door of the Archives. “Atsushi’s a sweet kid.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Kunikida muttered as his knocking got no response. “Shachou? I’m here!”

“Careful,” Yosano warned him. “He might be in a bad mood still—remember, we were sent home early yesterday after he got into the horrendous screaming match?”

“I remember,” said Kunikida. “Do you know who it was that got him so mad? Francis Fitzgerald complaining about that new Lonely avatar, what’s his name again, maybe?”

“Sakaguchi Ango, and Fitzgerald’s mad because he keeps the Distortion in his house,” Yosano rattled off. “And no, I had to hunt him down because he and Montgomery sometimes work together, remember? He’s out of the country.”

“Right,” Kunikida said. He knocked again and got no answer. “Shachou? I’m coming in!”

This said, he tested the doorknob and, finding it locked, pulled out the keys and unlocked it.

“He’s not responding? Weird,” Yosano said over the phone. “Maybe he’s gone into a coma from the shock of you being late for work.”

“Ha ha.” Kunikida opened the door and headed inside, freezing when he saw the desk in the front of the Archives, covered in blood and the collapsed figure of his boss. “Oh my God--Shachou!”

“What is it?” Yosano asked, voice tinged with worry. 

“Yosano, did you happen to dream about any deaths in the Archives lately?!” He hurried over to the prone figure of Fukuzawa Yukichi. He was breathing, albeit shallowly, and facedown on the desk. Blood was everywhere, covering every surface--Kunikida could see that it had gotten on his hands and notebook, but he couldn’t worry about that right now. His boss was quite possibly bleeding out on his desk, and Kunikida could see knife marks, and-- _ God, _ there were  _ holes _ where his  _ eyes _ should be--

In Kunikida’s defense, he vomited in the wastebasket and not on any of the evidence or (God forbid) his boss.

“No?” Yosano sounded confused, now, and more than a little worried. “Kunikida, what’s wrong?”

“Shachou, he--he’s--oh God.” Kunikida vomited again.

“What’s happening? Doppo, answer me!” 

It was unfair, Kunikida thought, to stay quiet--Fukuzawa had taken her in, just like him,  _ before _ him, even, a young girl scarred by the End and almost food for the Slaughter, but he couldn’t put into words what he was seeing. “Shachou--he, he’s, there’s something wrong, Akiko, we need to get him to a hospital, oh God, his  _ eyes… _ ”

“I’ll call someone,” she said. “Just...hold on, ok, he’ll be fine, he’ll be…” she trailed off, and then there was the click of the phone hanging up, and Kunikida quickly dialed 911, fingers leaving bloody trails on the screen--how much blood could be in one person? How much blood could someone lose and survive? Kunikida had known this, he was an Archival Assistant because of his penchant for learning, but now the facts slipped away like grabbing water.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“Shachou, my boss, he’s hurt, he’s on his desk, there’s so much blood…”

“Your boss was attacked? Did you see?”

“No, we were, we were sent home early, and I was running late on my way to work, and I found him--the door was locked, he’s on his desk, there’s so much blood..and his eyes...they’re  _ gone _ .”

“Where are you now?” she asked.

“The Archives. Near the entrance.” Kunikida was taking deep breaths, now, trying to calm himself. It wasn’t working.

“The Archives of where?” she asked.

“The Magnus Institute. Our address is--”

“I know the address. We’re on our way.”

“Yes, ma’--”

“Wait!” The phone was yanked out of Kunikida’s hand, and he looked up to see Yosano, who had just come out of a door where there  _ definitely _ hadn’t been one before. “Wait, a friend is going to give us a ride to the hospital. You can get your evidence--but you don’t need to send an ambulance. We’ve got it, and, ah, I don’t know if we can handle the bills, so...yes. Thanks, thanks. I’ll send Nakajima and Izumi from Artifact Storage to meet you out front. It would be nice to send a Sectioned officer, just in case--maybe Akutagawa Ryuunosuke? He and Nakajima have worked together before...thank you. Have a good day. You too.” 

Yosano hung up, and closed her eyes for a moment, before extending a hand to where Kunikida was kneeling by Shachou’s waste basket. “Come on. We need to hurry. He’s lost a lot of blood.”

Kunikida nodded, letting her pull him up, and together they picked Fukuzawa up and carried him into the tunnels.

“How are you so calm?” Kunikida asked, glancing over at her. Yosano shrugged one shoulder in response.

“You know how Shachou got me.”

He nodded. “Avatar of the End, imprisoned by the Slaughter for most of your childhood, right?”

“Right. I saw a lot of this, then. You know. People I love getting hurt, dying. I just don’t let it in. Right now, he’s just another patient. I’ll deal with it later.”

Kunikida nodded. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do. I think...I hope I got the worst of it over with.”

“I heard,” Yosano said. “Vomiting in Shachou’s wastebasket, really? You’re the one who’s cleaning  _ that _ one up, Mr. Perfect.”

“dO noT WOrRy, frIEnDs.” The voice seemed to come from the hallways themselves. Kunikida looked around, but he didn’t see anyone, except for possibly a hint of bandages wrapping over themselves in one of the dizzying mirrors. “iiII haVe TakEN CarE oF It.”

“You spoil us,” said Yosano, who didn’t look at all bothered by the fact that the voice seemed to be coming from the walls themselves.

“chUuYA hAS VoMIt iN HiS wAx nOW.”

She chuckled. It almost didn’t sound stressed. “You really hate him, don’t you? You know, Ranpo and I have a bet going that you asked Tanizaki to target him specifically.”

“mmmMAyBE.”

They came to a door, which swung open, seemingly pushed by what appeared to be long, spindly fingers. Each was wrapped in bandages, which shifted with every blink and gave Kunikida a headache. 

They stumbled out and into the emergency room. A nurse saw them, and in a whirlwind of movement, Fukuzawa was taken and wheeled away into a hospital room, and Kunikida and Yosano were left to fill out the forms and pick up the pieces.

***

Three months later, after Yosano and Ranpo both resigned from the Archives, Fukuzawa remained in a coma, and Kunikida did his best to keep them running as smoothly as possible despite being the only Archival employee, Kunikida was called up to the Head of the Institute’s office. 

Mori Ougai was a strange man. He was never seen without a young girl named Elise who he claimed to be his daughter, although the girl’s mother was never seen. He and Fukuzawa either hated each other or got on like a house on fire, depending on the week, and it was rumored that they had been married and divorced no less than seven times. Mori had been a main suspect in Fukuzawa’s case, but the charges had been dropped pretty quickly. Kunikida couldn’t fathom why he’d wanted to see him now, unless something new had come up...but surely the police would have contacted him first, right?

“Ah, Kunikida. Punctual as ever,” Mori said. “Please, sit down.”

Kunikida did, keeping his posture ramrod-straight and looking Mori in the eye. “What do you need, sir?”

Mori just smiled at him. “I understand you’ve been taking on the majority of the Archival work since Fukuzawa’s accident and Yosano’s and Ranpo’s resignations, is that correct?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well,” Mori said. “Since it’s highly unlikely that Fukuzawa will be returning to work if he wakes, I would like to offer you a promotion.”

“A...promotion?”

“Yes. The position of Head Archivist is open, and, quite frankly, you are the most qualified for your position--especially now that your coworkers have left. You would get to choose three assistants--I recommend Nakajima from Research, his relationship with the Distortion and experience with the Hunt make him a very useful asset.”

“I haven’t accepted yet,” said Kunikida, although he already knew he would take the job, for no other reason than the fact that he didn’t want to be alone in the Archives anymore.

“Oh? Why not?” Mori said, leaning over his tented fingers.

“I...well. When Shachou wakes up, won’t he want his job back?”

Mori chuckled. “Oh, Kunikida... _ if _ he wakes, his lack of eyes will make it impossible for him to continue his role as Archivist. Don’t worry--he’ll get a healthy severance payment, and of course the Institute is funding his hospital bills. Now. Will you accept the promotion or not?”

Kunikida swallowed. “Yes, sir,” he said.

“Good,” Mori said, and he smiled at him. His smile made Kunikida feel as if hundreds of ice-cold spiders were crawling up and down his back, and Kunikida couldn’t shake his hand and get out quickly enough.

That night, he texted Yosano and Ranpo.

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** You will never guess what happened today.

**End-Stopped:** mori got caught watching child porn

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** Disgusting. No.

**Eye Spy:** you’re the new Archivist

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** Yep

**End-Stopped:** holy shit

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** Yep

**Eye Spy:** is Shachou ok?

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** No change. Mori just said he thought it was “time”, for whatever reason.

**End-Stopped:** ew

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** On the bright side, I get to bring some people into the Archives as my assistants. Who do you think I should choose?

**End-Stopped:** Atsushi and Kyouka!!!

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** Funny, Mori suggested Atsushi too

**Eye Spy:** only because he wants to say hey look my Archivist took my suggestion and pat himself on the back dw dw

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** Alright, that’s two. Who should my third be?

**End-Stopped:** hrmmm

**Eye Spy:** what about Tachihara Michizou from Research? he’s a smart kiddo and also has been sticking his nose down there for years

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** You mean the Tachihara who stabbed Yosano?

**Eye Spy:** thats the bitch

**End-Stopped:** oh yeah he’ll be perfect!

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** HE STABBED YOU

**End-Stopped:** who hasn’t lol

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** I haven’t!

**End-Stopped:** Christmas Eve, 1999

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** that was a FORK and it’s not my fault you decided to SIT ON ME

**End-Stopped:** still counts

**Eye Spy:** i agree with akiko

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** You only agree because she buys you food

**Eye Spy:** still counts

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** Does it though?

**End-Stopped:** yes it does

**End-Stopped:** also go to sleep!!! ur like 6 hours ahead of us rn

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** I need to notify my new assistants.

**End-Stopped:** SLEEP HO

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** What will you do if I don’t?

**Eye Spy:** how about telling Dazai that you’re planning on proposing in three weeks and then sending the Distortion to fuck it up

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** Right.

**Kunikida Dop-hoe:** Goodnight then.

Kunikida closed out the app and briefly considered staying up anyway. Then he considered the fact that Ranpo would probably know that he stayed up anyway, and got up and got ready for bed, resolving to deal with the Archives in the morning.


End file.
